WELCOME! This is a place for me to reach out to other people who might share some of my experiences. My intention is to write about my thoughts and actions. My hope is that this page will connect in some way with the people who read it. If you have thoughts to share please email me. I would love to hear from you.

BEING A MOTHER IS CONFUSING

THOUGHTS FOR SATURDAY MORNING JULY 25, 1997: I put my only child on a plane this morning to visit her father for a month. Rebecca is fifteen. She thinks I don1t trust her because I always have her escorted when she flies, but then she always has these long waits in airports where she has to change planes. I need to know she is being watched over.

I miss her already... strange when at one point I was so aggravated with her that I told my housemate, Pat, I was going to strangle Rebecca. Will I out-live my daughter1s teenhood? Grouchy, snarely, giddy, rash, teary, angry, intense. (Help!) Yes, we all go through these changes, but do we go through them all in the course of one day? NO! But, still I love her. She drives me crazy. Her clothes look like she raided the trash bin at the local homeless shelter. No self respecting pack rat would call her room his home. But, I still love her.

Not too many years from now she'll be moving into a place of her own somewhere. I1ve been trying to prepare myself for that time. I try not to be too possessive. I try to have a life that doesn1t revolve around her. To some degree I have suceeded, although not totally.

AUGUST, 1995: "Lordy, lordy, I have died and gone to heaven. I have found people on the internet who like fat people. People who admire fat people, it is still not quite real too me! It is so wonderful. It is such a new experience. There is some great information there for large people who are sexually active or want to be. Here are some to the places that talk about being a fat person on the internet."

My first experiences with the internet in the summer of 1995 was a real eye opener for me. For a 48 year woman who had been fat all of her life just having someone of the male pursuasion want to carry on a converstion was a revelation. Cybersex was a gift from heaven. All of the sexuals thoughts, feelings, actions pent up inside for all those years could be explored, owned, validated. I got a very clear picture of what I wanted and an even clearer one of what I didn't want. It was glorious. It was the best therapy I have ever had.

I formed no lasting relationships. That is not what cybersex is about. It is a release. But what I released was more than physical. I let go my need for Prince Charming, something I shunted to the back of my brain denying any participation in that silly little girl game. I took a closer look behind the door I had so firmly closed so long ago. I gave up my glass slippers, my pumpkin, and my mice. I found my sexuality... fat woman do have a right to it you know.

In the best of all possible worlds I would love to have a mate who liked me, fat and all, was easy going but plodded along and got things done, loved to cuddle, cook, play games, laugh, entertain, swim, take vacations, and do lots of other things. But, the reality is... I will live out the rest of my life, working as I do now, loving my daughter, enjoying my friends and interacting with my church. Cybersex is still a nice thrill.

BBW (Big Beautiful Women), BIG-FOLKS, BIG-FRIENDS - I have made a startling discovery... I am not alone. Meet some of the wonderful people who are on these Internet Relay Channels (irc).

ROTUNDA - Lots of information about sexuality for large people!

FAT ACCEPTANCE ORGANIZATIONS - Big, politically active people... too good to be true... but it is!

CLOTHES FOR BIG PEOPLE - No more potato sacks for me. Some people out there are making stylish clothes for larger than the average insurance charts allow people.

RUMP PARLIAMENT & FAT!SO? - Excellent magazines that deal with life as a fat person... they exist and you can find links to them here on the net.

http://www.fatso.com/

http://web2.airmail.net/lmartin/

It took a long time for me to be able to say that about myself. I grew up feeling just the opposite. Probably most fat kids grow up feeling the same but I didn't have anyone to compare notes with. It is my experience of society, that people (especially my family) have a way (almost a duty) of making you feel you are the most horrible thing that ever happened because you are fat.

With good old Roman Catholic Cajun guilt working overtime, I started dieting at the age of 12, taking doctor prescribed diet pills (speed, amphetamine) to help get rid of the fat. Thirty years after going on my first diet... after being on countless diets... innumeral "I'll start today!2 Mondays... loosing enough weight to make 2 to 3 more people... and weighing close to 300 lbs... I decided that it was all a great big joke, and that I wasn't going to play anymore.

SO I QUIT DIETING... SMART WOMAN!

I quit worrying about what I ate. Accepted the fact that I was a fat woman and began living my life as a woman who is fat, not a woman who is going to be thin. It was like being released from prison. I got in touch with what I wanted... I claimed myself. The path has been difficult, energizing, frustrating, encouraging, sad and joyful. It is far from over, but I am more at peace with who and what I am than ever before. I have weighed the same for the last 8 years give or take a pound or two.

SIZE ACCEPTANCE...IT'S ABOUT TIME!

One of the many things I have done to help me understand myself is to take a series of classes on accepting my body. I reached the conclusion on my own after loosing 100 lbs. for the third time... that for me dieting was no answer to my fat problem.... that dieting actually contributed to my weighing more and more in the long run... that the problem was myself than with my weight... and that the answer was somewhere inside my head. These classes focused on getting large people back into their bodies and debunking some of the myths, misconceptions, and out and out lies large people carry around about our bodies, our weight, our appepities and ourselves as human beings. I have never been a politically active person but I have become aware of the number society plays on large people. We are the last socially acceptable target, scapegoat, piraha. It is still acceptable to tell fat jokes or equate fat with stupidity, slovenliness or greed. We are tyrannized by our physicians and discriminated against by insurance companies, airlines, and theatres to name a few. If you are fat, your chances for being hired for a job are greatly deminished. It makes me damn mad.

A PLACE TO BE TOGETHER... MY EXTENDED FAMILY!

One of the places I have found acceptance and friendship and spiritual sustainance is in the Unitarian Universalist Church. Through this church and all of the friends I have made, I have found the courage to do things I could not have accomplished alone. I am grateful for this liberal religion... especially in the Deep South.

DIVORCE IS NOT THE END OF THE WORLD... IF THE MARRIAGE IS BAD GET OUT.

I was married for 16 years. It certainly was an education, a very destructive education. Lack of confidence in myself, religious guilt and a lot of other rubbish kept me stuck in a place of were I endured a lot of mental abuse and physical deteriation for the constant stress and deep unhappiness I lived with on a continous basis. I treasure the child of that marriage above all things but I did myself a great injustice my remaining there... but it was all I knew to do. I will teach my daughter differently.

ME, MYSELF & I

As an almost 50 kinda person, I lead an ordinary life with my thirteen year old daughter, ex-homeless housemate, and three cats. I work for a church to make a living but I identify myself primarily as an artist. I've almost gotten over the "Some Day My Prince Will Come Syndrome." Although it does not die easily. I have to be very vigilant about thinking that someone will come along and rescue me. Sure, I would love to have a partner but never do I want to be married again.

BUT I WAS PAYING ATTENTION

Recently I have found out that a life long struggle with paying attention is an bona fide Attention Deficit Disorder... it's genetic and I passed it on to my daughter.

The light bulb went off in my head because my child was reliving my school life. Maybe after all, it wasn't because I wasn't as smart as the other kids, that I had such a hard time in school; or that I was just wasn't trying hard enough to pay attention; or doing it to annoy the teacher. I had my daughter tested for ADD three times. She's not hyperactive so I didn't get a lot of encouragement and in fact I got a lot of negative feedback about it. But finally at the end of the seventh grade I found someone who took the time to interview her teachers and me and the child. The results were very illuminating. She's on Ritalin now and it has made a large difference... just knowing what the problem is has made a big difference. She doesn't feel like a failure. Even at my age it feels good to finally know what has been goning on with me for all these years.

Drop me a line!. I'd love the hear for you!

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